sharing, grief, and healing

[Summer Greenlees]

In September,

My Brother called me while I was at my office and asked me to come over to his house right away, Kristina was in the hospital and he needed to be with her.
I went over to his house and when I arrived there was a Police officer woman there with My baby nieces Charlotte (4 months ) and Ginny (3 years old).
Charlotte was sleeping in her bed. GInny was looking for "her candy book"
The Police woman explained to me that Kristina had fallen down in the bathtub while Tommy went to the U-Haul to return the trailer.(They just moved to Austin)
When Tommy came back she was in the water, not breathing, not responding. He resessitated her pulse with CPR, and she went in an ambulance to the Hospital.
I Got baby Charlotte and precious Ginny.
Over the next three days, I had baby CHarlotte, GInny, and Austin,(6 years old) in My house.
My sister Kimberly came right away from Dallas and joined me in caring for the children.
Baby Charlotte had only drank from her mom, and had never had a bottle. I had weaned my daughter 6 days earlier, so I tried nursing her, and then transfering her to the bottle nipple so she would drink. It was rough at first, and I tried deciding if she should have formula or breastmilk. Knowing that Breastmilk is so much better, I began breastfeeding Charlotte with a supplimental feeding tube down to my nipple, dripping formula into her mouth when she sucked, and after doing this for three days, I began making milk for her.
I was so bonded with her at this time. All I wanted to do was stare at her. I massaged her and held her, nursed her and bonded with her so strong it was incredible.
My daughter Kendra bonded with her too and instantly became big sister. Holding her and fascinated with changing her and caring for her. Kendras behavior problems vanished and she instantly matured. She loved this baby Charlotte.
I started taking her to Kendra's school and became eager to integrate her into my life, and started sharing her picture online and wanted to introduce her to my loved ones.

Ginny and Austin were being taken care of more by Kimberly, Kelly, and Colleen(my step Mom)
But we were around each other alot.
Everyone in the family was trying to figure out what had happened to kristina and how to tell her beautiful children that thier Mother had died suddenly and unexpectedly. ( we still dont know how she died)
Then I got the call that my brother had killed himself.
very soon afterwards, My step brother and Kristina's sister Jessica came over and took Charlotte and all of her belongings. This was very difficult for me.
THank God my two dear friends were there to help me, Brooke and M'lissa.
They held me while I wailed and cried.

It has been several months now since Septmber, winter has changed to spring and now spring is turning to summer.
I now have two days by myself. no children or husband around- I get a break.

Sadness and pain are so big and strong. I dont know how to describe or understand what I am going through. Rationally , I understand, but my body grieves.
My heart cries. I miss Charlotte, and my brother Tommy, and Kristina.
I miss Ginny and Austin and I worry for my sister, Kimberly, who has adopted Ginny and Austin. She also has a toddler, Brooke, and will have her baby twins in May. They live in Dallas.
Kimberly is the most amazing person and most wonderfull mother I have ever met.
IF anyone can have 5 children and do it in a superb way, its her.
I have a really hard time with the distance between Austin and Dallas.
I work all weekends pretty much, and have to be near here for my birth clients.

Some days are better tan others, and mostly I am doing very well.
I am discovering more and more how Yoga helps with this deep depression I grapple with.

Sometimes the waves of grief come strong and unexpected.
Sometimes its like a wave in the sea that overcomes me and I dont know which way is up, water is all up my nose and it is confusing and disorienting.

I was (am) deeply bonded with my brother, Tommy, and I had known Kristina since I was a little girl. TOmmy had loved her since HighSchool so I knew her a long time.
I lived with them for a couple years in East Texas when my son was little. THey were community for me, and were trying to help me raise Felix.
During that time Kristina was pregnant with Austin, so I massaged her every week and attended her birth.
We all loved each other very much.

This time to myself is good.
It is a rich experience to actually be able to lay in bed and write.
Sharing is Healing
Thank you for sharing with me.

Now I know Grief
Depression
I know what its like to bond with a baby, to adopt a baby.
I know what its like to loose a baby, to have to let go.

I know what it feels like to feel left with a big empty space.

It can be overwhelming and demanding to care for a baby

but I would have her again in an instant
I dont want another baby, or to have my own new baby.
Truthfully, I want Charlotte again. My love for her is big and strong.

The reality of my life cannot support her.
I am the sole income provider for our family, we fit niceley as-is in to our two bedroom apartment with two kids and two dogs.

I know she is well with her loving family in Virginia, with Jessica Kristina's sister and thier sweet family.

All rational and understanding doesn't effect the feelings.

I know it will just take time.

My community has been incredible:

At first, Yoga Yoga mobilized in a huge way and donated time, groceries, supplies, hands on help and support.
It was incredible how many people I didnt even know came over and fed me, cleaned my house, and tried to help me organise my closet even, while I was incapacitated or with the kids.
I am so gratefull for all of the love, help and support from everyone. It is touching.

Now there is just the practice of being with myself
As my teacher teaches me
radical self acceptance
for myself
for the pure stream of emotions.
for this moment

My sincere Love to you

I hope this inspires you to share what is in your heart, to open up something you experience.

Together with our rich tapestry of experiences, insight, and wisdom, we weave togetherness, community, support.